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METHUSELAH HAS LEGAL PROBLEMS

It was recently reported that an individual by the name of Methuselah lost his Social Security benefits due to the ongoing downsizing of the American government.

I am very sorry, but I must firmly, and resolutely, and with every fiber of my being, reject the preposterous claim which is being made by this announcement.

Be it known this day that being as Mr. Methuselah was NOT born within any state or territory of the United States of America, he is NOT in possession of either a valid United States issued birth certificate, or a valid American passport.

As such, he does NOT qualify as a bona fide American citizen, despite whatever claims he may make to the contrary.

Furthermore, be it known this day that there is not a single shred of physical evidence to sustain his claim that he ever held a single job within the United States of America.

If Mr. Methuselah did in fact hold a job — or jobs — within the United States, he did so as an illegal alien.

If Mr. Methuselah did hold one or more jobs within the United States of America, there is no evidence that he ever paid federal or local taxes. As such, not only is he an illegal alien, but he is an intentional tax dodger as well.

Also be informed that if Mr. Methuselah is in possession of an American birth certificate, surely it must be forged; particularly if said document states his age to be 969 years.

Being as Mr. Methuselah was not born within the United States, does not own a valid US passport or birth certificate, never legally worked within the United States of America, and never paid taxes within the United States, he is most certainly not entitled to Social Security benefits.

In light of the aforementioned facts, Mr. Methuselah is strongly encouraged to self-deport immediately, before the full weight of American law is brought against him. This warning applies to Mr. Methuselah’s immediate illegal family members and descendants as well.

You have been warned, sir!

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